George W. Bush announces global strategy to address obesity and world hunger
Washington - tonight
In a nationwide broadcast this evening, US president George W. Bush said, �My fellow Americans, I know a lot of you feel that my administration has a lot to answer for in view of the prisoner abuse scandal, my one-sided support for Israel against the Palestinians, my theft of the presidency, my puerile grasp of the English language, my ignoring the majority of world opinion in invading Iraq, my dodging active service during the Viet Nam war, my contempt for the United Nations, my reluctance to apologise for the torture of prisoners of war, my connection with the Bin Laden family, my lousy dress sense, etc. etc. etc., but tonight, what I have to say will bring about a change of heart among those who are critical of my policies�.
�Tonight, I am going to announce the most far-reaching effort by any government in the history of mankind to finally put an end to world hunger and address the worsening obesity epidemic in the western world�.
�I am going to cast aside any false modesty and say that the solution my administration is about to implement is all my own conception and I expect to take the full credit for it�.
�We all know that there are millions of starving people in the world, and I know what it�s like to be hungry, why only yesterday my lunch was 20 minutes late and I thought I was going to pass out but I have a plan, which even though I say it myself, must be the most innovative but simple solution to one of the greatest problems facing the world today�.
�With as many overweight people in the world as there are starving, it seems logical to me that if we were to slaughter everyone who is say, 50% overweight, cut them up, freeze them, turn them into food parcels and ship the pieces to Africa and India and charge a modest fee to the starving millions, not only would it put food on the table for the undernourished, it would mean a healthy profit for the Halliburton Shipping Company who have kindly offered to provide the transport. Of course, they said they will plough 1% of the profits back into the administrative infrastructure to help pay for the costs of setting the enterprise up�.
�We are going to enact a law to force everyone over 6 years of age to report to weighing stations which will be located throughout the country and those with a 50% surplus in body weight will be shipped to the nearest abattoir to be humanely converted into meal sized portions. After all, they lead miserable lives anyway and most of them will be pleased to know that they will be contributing to ease someone else�s pain�.
"When the rest of the world witnesses the success of my plan, I intend to make it a global operation which, in the eyes of the world, will make America great again".
�My fellow Americans, you can all now see that I�m a president with vision and humanity. Let�s not hear any more about me being a one-term wonder�.